This article originally appeared in the January 2015 Bridal Issue of Validity. 

Appropriate or not, I feel compelled to address the virtues of divorce in this bridal issue of Validity.   Of course, I am opposed to divorce except for the following scenarios.

If there is spousal violence or adultery, then by all means, divorce is a viable option.   However, if the male adulterer receives a black eye from his faithful wife, spousal violence, in actuality, is sweet justice.

Many in my peer group would probably agree that a divorce from federal taxation would be a blessing from the gods, indeed.  Not that any of us are opposed to tax.   We just disagree with the way our elected officials foolishly spend our earnings.   But, let’s give credit where credit is due.  The high-minded politician’s battle cry can be heard by all throughout the hallowed halls of Congress, “We, the appointed and ordained by the Almighty Himself, are duty bound to spend the people’s money.”  So, who are we, the hard working, survival-minded commoners, to question the lofty, prestigious leaders we have chosen.   Blah, blah, blah.   I want a divorce.

Divorcing tailgaters seems to be the only option left for me.   Slamming my brakes, trying to outrun the pesky rear bumper lover, getting their license number and calling the troopers and pulling over to let them pass have all failed.   I have considered waving my semi-automatic 9mm out the window (pretty sure that is illegal, immoral and just a notch worse than what they are doing to me).   Even the middle finger proves ineffective for these morons.  Maybe a divorce will work.

Conceptualize a life without high blood pressure.   Yeah, I want a divorce from beta-blockers and diuretics.

Recently, while delivering the new batch of Validity to our vendors and supporters, whom are also our friends, I noticed a large sign on the door of a women’s clothing and accessories store located on the square in a rural town.  It stated, “Due to increased shoplifting, no large purses or shopping bags will be allowed in our store.”  Later the same day, another small business owner confided in me that he was considering selling his establishment.   The hired help was stealing, not showing for work or arriving late.   Having two stores in separate towns, he was unable to monitor and manage both.  If he closes a store, then there are no jobs at all.   A shame, that dishonest deadbeats injure a community who would risk their lives to rescue the miscreants from raging flood waters.  Can we divorce these parasitic individuals?

Speaking of deadbeats, can children divorce themselves from parents who fail to financially support their offspring?  It is not the kid’s fault one or both of the parents ceased unwavering commitment.

Whether or not you concur with the empirical, aforementioned perspective concerning divorce, certainly, we can all advocate the concept of an eternal existence free of tiny bloodsuckers:

Thereby, whereby, hitherto and heretofore on this day forward, till a disadvantageous demise do I succumb, a writ of declaration of divorce, henceforth, be decreed upon said tick, chigger and mosquito.

About Shane Newbold

Father to four and best friend to Becky Jane for 26 years, Shane Newbold lives life to the fullest birdwatching, fishing, boating and enjoying his family.

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