Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street, when they simultaneously spot a one hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk of course. The other three are fantasy creatures.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant where the $3 million he embezzled from him is. The accountant doesn’t answer. The attorney interrupts, “This man is deaf and dumb, but I can interpret for you.” “Well, ask him where the @/#!* money is,” the Godfather demands. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The attorney, using sign language, signs back, “He says, he doesn’t know what we’re talking about.”
Then the Godfather pulls out a pistol and points it at the accountant’s temple. “Now, ask him where my @#!!## money is.” The scared accountant signs, “The money is in a suitcase buried in my back yard.” The Godfather asks the lawyer what the accountant said. The lawyer, without skipping a beat, answers, “He doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”
The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign: Caribbean Cruise – $99. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on his head, wrapped him in a rug and tossed the DA in the river.
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head and tossed into the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State’s Attorney, “Do they serve drinks on this cruise?”
The District Attorney replied, “They didn’t last year!”
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. “Hi, there. How’s it going tonight?” She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll do what you want, any time, any place, anywhere. It doesn’t matter to me.” The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
A lawyer’s girlfriend became pregnant with twins. He wanted to marry her but was refused. The girl said Papa had rather have two bastards in the family than one lawyer.
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” “There was a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”
One day in contract class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was livid. “No. No. Think like a lawyer.”
The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claims and advantages of and in, said orange with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, or give away with or without the pulp, juice and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, and anything herein before or hereinafter in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever kind and anything herein to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding.’”
Arriving late for work, a laboratory worker was surprised to learn that lawyers instead of rats would be used in lab experiments. Upon inquiry, he was told that there were some things rats just would not do.